there’s the desire to be loved and accepted that always gravitates me towards you and there’s the constant ache that i am disgusting to myself and i can’t love you because of that. i’m not sure what i’m supposed to do anymore. there’s too much of me or nothing at all. there’s destruction of the self and then there is no self. i have no equilibrium. i’m only going to get worse. i’m going to end up like my father. he’ll be dead soon and when he’s gone, my rage will finally match his. i wanted to be what you thought i was but the sight of my skin makes me recoil from the day & i spend my nights tumbling through my mania of emotion, scraping the bottom of my mind for something with substance. it’s here, it’s gone. you’ll be gone soon, i’m already gone.